Darkness and The Light

Darkness

Have you ever had that ‘can't’ feeling? Like you just can't. You're not angry and you're not sad, but for whatever reason you just can't. Something in you mentally just doesn't connect, your spirit is empty & your emotions are just frozen. All you want to do is lock your doors turn off your phone & be alone. Some like to say that this is "Depression", but I really don't like that word. Calling it Depression makes it seem like you're weak, when in reality it’s the complete opposite. That’s why I like to think of it as a pause. I mean every lady that is out here grinding & working towards her dreams deserves to have a pause. Just a day where you get to binge watch Netflix, break your diet, maybe go shopping and get your nails done. Just do something that makes you happy and just enjoy the calmness of boredom. Sometimes you need to be bored because being bored can make you appreciate the work you put in everyday. There are times that these days of ‘can’t’ can take you to a dark place. This darkness that seems to suddenly consume you can be fearful. I think this is why many people are afraid of the dark. I know I was terrified of it when I was a little girl. I would be curled up in my bed gazing into the glow of my night-light until I fell asleep. I felt fear laying there in the dark and I hated not being able to see my surroundings. I felt that without my sight I had no preparation of what could happen. I felt like there was no protection in the dark because I didn't know what was lurking in the corner or under the bed. I eventually outgrew the fear of the dark and gained a new fear of darkness. I felt fear of the darkness of my skin color and the darkness that I felt in my spirit. I had no confidence in my appearance and that caused darkness inside of me. I had hate for myself & for the ones around me that made me darker. I felt that my spirit was as dark as my skin. I continued to grow and with time I learned that while my skin was dark my heart and my spirit were never the same color. Going through these dark periods made me better. While I hated the feeling of filth of my skin what made it worse was that I had no idea how to get clean. It wasn’t until I was laying there in my darkness that the tears would come. I know to some tears aren’t good, but to me they’re just there to cleanse. I mean let’s be real all the soap in the world won’t get you clean until you add water. So if the tears come just let them fall and allow them to wash away that pain. Tears are what allowed me to face the darkness and welcome it in. I understand that without the dark I would never have appreciated the light. So ladies don't fret over those days when you just can't. Take your pause and enjoy the darkness.

The Light They say when you die you go into a warm white light. Some say the light that's seen is the glow of heaven. I know that's what most people would assume. I've always wondered if that light could be something else though. What if that light is the light at birth? Call me crazy, but what if life is just a constant circle. You pass away go through the warm light and come out as an infant starting all over again. To some that may seem strange however for me the thought is comforting. Knowing that when I leave this body I’ll be presented with a second chance to start over and try again. Whether it's here or in heaven you’ll have a chance to start fresh with no sin, no secrets, and no sacrifice. I believe that having a clean slate for some would be ideal. Everyone on this earth probably has a moment or an event or something that we think back on and say, “If I knew then what I know now”. But would you really do something different or just do the same thing over? I know it's easy to say that we wouldn’t do it all over again, but truthfully we probably would. The lessons that we learn from these situations make them worth the suffering. And in reality no matter what we choose we would probably still say the same thing. Life is nothing, but constantly making choices and living with the consequences of those decisions. Consequences aren’t always negative they’re just the results. There are no right and wrong choices just smart and stupid ones. In the end no matter what choice you make your life will continue. This is a lesson that I've learned & accepted. The only thing to do is to stand tall & face it all. That’s what I have chosen to do from here on out. I am creating my own rebirth and I am standing in the sun. No matter what has happened in my past I am focused on what is happening in my present and pressing towards my future. I'm surrounding myself in light, love & joy. I invite all my ladies to do the same. The start of my rebirth was physical, eating healthier new hair and wardrobe. Rebirthing my emotional was pretty easy after I went through my latest heartbreak. The rebirth of my mental has been the most challenging. It's easy to say I'll do better and be better, but when you allow people to affect your thoughts it becomes a challenge. I take steps towards being better only to have people get in my head and push me back. The mental rebirth will probably take me a while just because I have the desire to please people. I'm southern it's in my blood to try & make people happy. I'm working on becoming a more selfish person, but that's going to take a lot of rewiring. Standing in the light I see things clearly and realize what I need to do to be a better person

Photographer: Jaquel Horne

Model: Susie Sugar; Sugar Snaps Studios