Allow Me to Reintroduce Myself.

Have you ever woken up one day and felt that something was different? Checked your surroundings, but everything seems to remain intact. Observing your reflection to find that your features are identical to yesterdays selfie, but yet you can’t put your finger on what is new. Maybe I am the only one that has experienced this estrangement, but this phenomenon plagued me leaving an unnerving feeling. In ways it was an out of body experience knowing that I hadn't changed, but felt altered. I attempted to use work as a distraction, but it interfered with my focus. When my focus was compromised I found myself getting into moods of depression, fits of frustration and irrational impatience. I tried artistic outlets to redirect my energy, hoping to shift my negativity to positivity, but the feeling remained. I tried fasting from social media, unnecessary communication and environments that weren’t influential. Soon I found myself in solitude, but I continued to struggle with comprehension of what had changed. Finally I received clarity. The issue that was causing my anxiety wasn’t due to there being a physical alteration in my life or environment, but rather a need for one. Occasionally we experience mental growth that creates change before we take any action. Mentally I had already made the conversion without realizing it making it seem that overnight I had become a divergent in my own life. Now with the knowledge that I received I switched my perspective. Succumbing to the alterations in my mentality I began to adjust my reality to better match my mindset. We all know that it’s one thing to say ‘I’m going to change’, but to follow through requires more then speaking it into existence. This is a primary example of actions speaking louder then words. I examined my life to see what I could do modify to match my mind state. I was ready to grow.

To grow I had to insure that my roots were secure, but I soon realized that I wasn't in a position to access them. I couldn't grow into the woman I sought out to be because I wasn’t living life as my true self. So the first decision I made was to break my ties with my longtime nickname, Susie. It was no longer just a nickname, but the way I was living my life. It had become this imaginary persona and I tried to fit myself into the mold. Susie was perfect, she was flawless, she was submissive, she was generous always willing to give more then she received, she was a bad bitch and a beauty queen, she was an unstoppable force to be reckoned with and she engulfed me. I was swallowed up into this ideal, not recognizing how much of myself was being buried. The nickname was given to me because of the way I acted, which was considered white. From my attitude, my taste in music, my personality, my aura as a whole caused people describe me as an Oreo. It seemed that since I spoke proper english without smacking my lips, expressed my anger without rolling my neck, didn’t mind country and pop music that I was not a real part of my racial community. I was only technically black on the surface, but inside lied my true self, a stereotypical white girl. So I was told that my name, the name I was given from my mother that was based on my fathers name, a name literally from my family roots didn’t 'fit' me. How ridiculous does that sound? Like we know the people that brought you into this world and have known you since you were conceived gave you that name, but this name is more you. The worst part of these ridiculous accusations were that I believed them. From that moment forth, Antonnia was no longer in existence and I identified as Susie. Where I was in my life my only desire was to fit in. I wanted to belong and be embraced in society so if that’s what the world thought of me then I assumed that it must have been accurate. Susie took over and a snowball effect followed. I was soon rolling down this hill, rapidly accepting whatever and whoever attached to me. I was wrapped up in this ball of commitments, false pretenses, swarmed by people that could careless about the person only the illusion. Who am I to blame them for that? I was the one that agreed to these terms and conditions of the contract, I signed away my rights without reading the fine print. I had buried myself into this fictional facade and felt frozen into a life wasn't mine, but Susie's. Since I had already made the decision mentally to grow, I began taking action. Slowly and meticulously I created friction by making seemingly mediocre adjustments. I began identifying as Antonnia once more so the false pretenses of my ideal self were gone. I was one step closer to growth, but what I faced next proved to be more difficult.

Changing my social media accounts back to my real name helped, but I remained connected. My businesses, associates and friends, had all been introduced to Susie. Every video edited, each photoshoot, each blog post were all tagged with her name. All of my hard work, my creations that I had been involved with were connected to that persona. It felt like I was being haunted, Susie was lurking around the corner awaiting me to give in and return to her. Realizing that I can’t go back and change everything that I have done without sacrificing the progress that has been made I felt like I was stuck. The ground on which I had been building my brand was frozen from the snow that had once buried it. What was I suppose to do now? If all the success I strived for, the path of progress I had dedicated my dreams to were all attached to Susie how was I suppose to grow? Just when I was prepared to submit to Susie, clarity came to me. Stop trying to go back to change your past and just keep moving forward in the changes for your future. That sounds so obvious, but yet it didn’t connect for me. What’s it matter if a nickname was still attached to the things in my past if my plans for the future weren't the same? I was trying to breathe life into something that was already dead and gone. I was growing and maturing so why did it matter if the creations I had made in the past were connected to someone I no longer was? I was no longer interested in modeling if all I could do was eye candy work. The passionate pleasure that I once felt with the snap of the shutter had faded when I was doing photography. Traveling around to different cities to spend nights in clubs recording people blow money, drink and smoke was no longer an environment I wanted to entertain. Since I wasn't interested in the path that I had been taking why did I struggle with surrendering what I had built. It was time a test of my will, was I really ready to take action or was I just speaking on it?

This journey was going to take serious dedication and in order to grow I decided it was time to move forward. It was time to let go. I can move a lot faster and farther without dragging the past along with me. I changed my schedule, social surroundings, and personal space hoping to help with the initiation of this new lifestyle. I stopped stunting on snapchat, insinuating on instagram and being flashy on Facebook which caused everyone to assume that I had fallen off. This generation has the tendency to broadcast every movement and announce every plan for their life so when I ceased to participate the assumption was I was no longer on top. Which in a myriad of ways was accurate. I wasn’t on top by the standards of this generation because I wasn’t willing to sacrifice myself and my sanity for fame or fortune. I had struggled through figuring out who I was, where I belonged and what I needed. I have accepted myself, found a new environment and discovered balance within myself creating peace. I had shed the old habits of my past life, move on to a new space and take life in the cycle of change. I only had one thing left to do. It was time to plant my roots so that I could grow. It was time to begin, again.