The Hype.

So I haven't been blogging every week or even every two weeks as I promised myself that I would. I would love to use the excuse of I've just been busy, but that's not all there is to the story. While it’s true that I have been working and being a grown up, which I’m sure yall know that takes a lot of work, but I also have been having a hard time finding inspiration around me. Lack of inspiration means no creativity, no creativity results in crappy articles that have no real meaning. I would never subject my readers to something I don't approve of as my best work. So in an attempt to be self-inspire I read over all my previous blogs. Upon completion I felt dizzy. Literally my words made me feel like I had just been going in circles because I was talking in circles. My posts have been focusing on the female agenda, the standards we have to face on making it and the challenges we endure as we grow up. Which in reality isn't surprising because that's what I'm dealing with in my life also since the acronym represents Creative Out Looks of Real SISTERS, it was to be assumed that my target audience was the ladies. I know I have a few dedicated male readers and sorry for all the girl talk, but its only natural to discuss the situations that I'm experiencing. However, my blogs didn’t leave me feeling inspired they just gave me confirmation on something that had been plaguing my mental health. I was falling for the hype. I mean how hypocritical of me to write rants about how we have to stand up, go against the sexual acceptance in our society for exposure by posing nude, topless or half naked. I mean seriously? How did I not notice that I was still falling into the hands of the hype? My lingerie shoot I attempted to validate by calling it 'Risky Business', exposing myself for 'Exposure'. To some I was using irony to get my point across. Others pardoned me by saying you made it tasteful, made it look like art and gave it more meaning. In reality I was being a hypocrite and addicting myself to the attention. It seemed like the more pictures I took half naked the more people wanted to work with me. I had barely got anyone's attention when I was posting normal average pictures, but after my a Risky Business post... the magazine submissions, the free photo shoot offers and party host request just came a flooding. Reminding me in this generation and this business market in particular, that less really is more. The less you have on, the more work you’re offered, the fewer morals you have the quicker you get to success. I knew all of this, I wrote on all of this and I still I went along with the protocol. What made it worse was I wasn’t just slipping and sliding into the hype, but I was diving headfirst. I got so wrapped up in this need for attention from people I've never even met that I was willing to sacrifice all of my original intentions for a chance to be known. I was loosing my purpose and myself for followers and a double tap on a picture. How could I not notice? Then I realized... I knew what I was doing. When I selected to do a lingerie shoot as my first official photo shoot I gave myself a standard and created an expectation from my followers. I knew what was going to happen after I released the pictures. The reactions, the likes, the bookings...yeah, I anticipated all of that. What I didn’t predict was how far I'd allow myself to go. I permitted myself to give in to the expectations and standards with that very first photo shoot. Sure I played it out and set it up by writing an article validating my wardrobe selection, but that's the only modification. When I take away the words, just look at the picture next to a stripper or an Instagram model you would never know there was a 'difference'. I was selling out and I tried to fight it at first, but I gave in to the hype. I mean you have to admit it sucks not getting attention when you possess the same features the girls that are getting noticed attain. I mean I have boobs and a little bit of booty on me too why can't I use mine for a better cause. That's exactly what I said. 'Why can't I use exposing my body for a better cause?’ Seriously? The hype. It took a very unexpected source to begin opening my eyes to what I was about to become. My ex-boyfriend. As some know or may have guessed from my S•I•N•G•L•E article my long time boyfriend & I broke up. I'm not about to get into details about my business so if you're looking for tea you better get a $1 and go buy one from McDonald's because you won't get it from me. Anyway, he was looking at my pictures and telling me that I looked beautiful, nice lighting, good angle, nice pose, blah blah blah, but then he made a comment and it really hurt my feelings. 'So when are you just going to go start dancing? I mean you might as well.' The question left a very puzzled 'TF did this nigga just say' expression on my face. I felt disrespected. How dare he look at my 'art' and ask me when I was going to become a stripper. Of course I got an attitude and gave him a very genuine heartfelt cuss out. The next semi-intervention came when I posted my latest images onto Instagram to receive an inappropriate sexual comment from a follower. I showed my ex what the guy said and before I could even begin to express my offense he cut me off with 'well what did you expect?' I stared at him mouth open trying to understand how he could be siding with the stranger instead of me. Another photo-shoot and he shared his unwanted sentiments again. 'I mean if you're going to prance around half naked you could at least get paid for it'. Prepared I countered his attack with my justifications. 'Beyoncé is half naked on stage just about every night and Jay Z doesn't get mad, Nicki Minaj twerks all the time and you don't see Meek Mill shutting her shit down, Tyra Banks made a name for having big boobs and a pretty face walking on a runway in her lingerie. So the issue isn’t in what I’m wearing, but how you decide to perceive it.' Silenced he allowed me to proceed with my work. Several incidents and photo shoots later he finally got me to see the light. All those justifications, reasoning and explanations were just excuses for me diving into the hype. Yes it is true that women like Beyoncé, Nicki, Tyra, Naomi, Rihanna and so many more are half naked on a stage, but that's not where they began. These women were respected for their craft, their beauty & creative spirits BEFORE they were seen half naked on anyone's stage. I have been promoting the wrong parts of my craft. I was better than falling for the hype that has been placed on the female population in this generation. Now I just have to reevaluate and figure out a new way for exposure without exposing me. I would hate for my nieces to feel like they need to be half naked for someone to say they're beautiful. I lost sight of what I was trying to accomplish and I was just enjoying the hype. Until I find my way I will be stepping back behind the camera. I will release the last of the shoots I have taken, but no more. I will no longer be a 'model' if the standards are based solely on how much skin is shown on Instagram. I don't care about the bookings and the magazine submissions because in the end what’s it worth if everyone knows your name, but no one respects it. I'll write again soon ladies and until then stay lovely.