Stuck

“Well shit, what are yall doing?” -Leslie Jordan This sentence possibly represents the mood for everyone as we wake up each day in quarantine. We are all stuck inside due to the Coronavirus, a unprecedented and unplanned time in the world. The circumstances are leaving some in panic, a few in pain and most with problems. Due to the situation at hand everyone’s trying to figure out finances for food, necessities, and bills while they also maintain their sanity. Some are making jokes, others are being productive and a few are still going to work, but the majority is more than likely binge watching Netflix. Alas no matter what is happening in the world their is still criticism and right now there’s a lot of it to go around. Everyone has something to say about the coronavirus, the methods being taken due to it, the conspiracy theories behind it, and the plans of recovery for it. Aside from that their is also the criticism of peers, the ones that are all about using this time for the better. Nothing wrong with that, but for some it’s a feeling of pressure that they’re not doing enough. And in a time where you are already limited on being able to do anything, now is not the time to make anyone feel like they’re not doing enough.

The assumption that you have to use this time to find some greater meaning for your life, to me, is kind of bullshit. I feel like that’s telling people they aren’t allowed to feel. Millions of people have just lost their job and are forced in situations that might not be ideal, but you're on your soap box telling them to do better. They’re allowed to be frustrated, anxious, stressed and whatever else they’re feeling because of the situation at hand. There are people that have to work everyday without proper protective gear and they’re allowed to have feelings. Having to chose risking your health and the health of your family for your income to provide food and shelter is frustrating and stressful. People are human and humans have feelings so let's calm down on putting pressure on people in a high pressure situation. The notion that you should be positive and productive in the midst of being quite literally stuck is good, but not as easy to accomplish. Being creative while you are forced indoors isn’t a simple task and the truth is it’s easy to end up sliding into a depression and/or bad habits. You’re allowed to feel, but don’t let it drown you, you have to find the balance. That’s the hard part, knowing the balance of what you need to do and what you want to do. I’ve been having a hard time getting this blog out because I’ve been having a hard time trying to find the balance. The truth is I had everything planned for this post but if 2020 has taught me nothing else, things don’t always work out the way I plan them to.

I’ve had the concept behind this piece for a while now, but for some reason finding the words to write hasn’t been easy. I’ve been wrapped in bed watching a Marvel movie marathon, since I’ve never seen them, and my motivation had plummeted. Fighting depression while in the midst of quarantine is probably one of the hardest things to face. When you’re a natural introvert that’s now being encouraged to stay home it’s easy to slide into bed and not want to get out. I’ve managed to convince myself to be productive in some ways, of course with photos, but also updating websites, making lingerie and experimenting with new photography prop plans. While all of this has been great, and should be done, it was a struggle to even do things that just involved me turning on my laptop. It just continued to get worse and I found myself sleeping 12-16 hours a day. I had to figure out a way to shake it off, but nothing was working. It seemed like the more I tried to get up the more I went down. I went into the quarantine feeling really positive believe it or not. I was getting time off from a job that was draining me and given the chance to spend my time creatively so to me it was a win. True I was concerned about my funds and bills like everyone else that was losing their job, but I was looking at the bright side, finding the silver lining. I had started out strong, but things quickly took a turn with every project i tried.

Starting with project one I immediately ran into an issue with the frame. I couldn’t get it to stand straight alone and before I knew it the whole thing fell and broke into pieces. I felt just a crushed as the frame, but after taking a breath and finding wood glue in the closet I started to refocus. I came up with a different plan to hang the frame from my crossbar with clear fishing line instead of trying to force it to stand alone. I left the frame to dry overnight and the next morning tried again. It ultimately worked out for the most part. I was mildly disappointed with the photos, but it was because my own actions and impatience. I didn’t take the time to get different angels for my video, I never moved my set out to get the full look I was going for, but I decided to go with what I had. After I finished with the photo edits and behind the scenes videos I decided to go ahead and move on to project two.

I was anxious to get to it because it’s one shoot I’ve wanted to do for at least three years but never took the time. Well that’s not completely true I attempted it once but it didn’t turn out the way I had it in my head so I knew I was going to try again eventually. So I made all the props, started to gather all the supplies, and created my costume. Knowing I would take this one to heart and be determined to get it right this time I was more then ready to take it on then the incident happened. Cooking dinner and the boiling water overflows onto my leg. Leaving the most horrific blister, burn, bruise thing I’ve ever seen. On my thigh! Huge and ugly. No way I can do a lingerie shoot with that. So I had to wait. I let it affect me for a while, gave into the sadness and disappointed seemed like I was failing in everything. I had already lost my job and now I can’t even get my creative work done. After sulking for a while I was laying in bed thinking that just because I had a plan for the shoots doesn’t mean that has to be THE plan. I had them listed in a certain order because I wanted them to post that way, but that doesn't mean I have to do it that way. So just change the order of it, of course the simple decision is the best one. So I decided do project three in the mean time since I wouldn’t have to worry about the scar being exposed. It was also one shoot I felt would be on the easy side of the project list, but once again things never go as planned.

Project three was set for the third project because I had three concepts that I wanted to fulfill within the one project. It was three different visions, with the same material and outfit, but from different perspectives. Also I knew I wanted to write a blog to accompany it about dealing with quarantine since the idea of the project is about being stuck. It began simple enough with setting up the camera and adjusting the settings, easy. I got through angle one with no issue, but once I began to switch over to part two my leg was in pain, my body was cramping and my prop wasn’t giving me what I imagined in my head. By the time I got around to the third piece of the puzzle I was over it completely. I continued to take the pictures, going through the motions essentially but dreading every click mentally declaring they were trash before I looked. The prop was falling apart and the plan was definitely not going as scheduled. A shoot that I anticipated taking 2-3 hours max turned into a 5 hour span of frustration. I waited until the next day before I faced the uploads and normally I go through and eventually start to feel better about the photos, unfortunately this time it was only making it worse. I hated them all and the few I did find decent needed edits beyond my energy at the time. I’ve spent two weeks with these pictures going back and forth with friends trying to decide if I should scrap them and try again or see them through and stick with what I have. After a few pep talks with Jesus and a couple nights of insomnia I decided to move forward. I didn’t force myself forward, I just waited until I felt ready. I’ve edited the images at least three times trying to get them perfect but nothing in life is perfect so I went my best effort.

That’s what everyone should put their focus towards, putting forth their best effort. A lot of people are putting pressure on others to be productive and plan during this time, but it’s okay if some days you just can’t. Since we quite literally have no where to go you have time. I’m not encouraging you to lay in the bed without taking a shower for days and eating your feelings or not eating at all but don’t pressure yourself. If you want to take today to watch Tiger King and share memes or have a Marvel movie marathon that’s fine. Everyday doesn’t have to be some huge, miraculous, amazing accomplishment. Waking up and making sure you and your loved ones are okay can be accomplishment enough. Taking care of yourself, being healthy and staying safe is what’s most important in all of this so that’s all anyone can ask of you. So make sure you wash your hands and check out the photos from Project One and Three below!

Project Three: Stuck...

Set One: ...In a Hole

Set Two: ...In the Box

Set Three: ...In a Wall

Project One: Artwork

Top 12 Photos:

Behind the Scenes Video:

Shoot Setup: