Love or Life?

We have all heard the story about the lady that falls in love with the guy, but then she has to make a decision between love or her life. She gets an amazing opportunity to be successful, a promotion, or a chance to chase a dream and she’s ready to give it all up for a man. When I was younger it seemed odd that a man would make the woman that loved him make that kind of choice. I use to listen to these stories and say that would never be me because I would never let a man get in between me and my life. I mean what man that claims that he loves you wouldn’t want to see you be successful, follow your dreams and be willing to help you get there? To my surprise there are plenty of them. I’ve witnessed my friends; my family and even myself loose themselves in men to the point that their identity disappeared. Their way of thinking goes from “I’m going to” and becomes “We are going to” and then ends in “He thinks I should”…Bitch what?? When did it become acceptable for us as females to bow down to the man that we love? When did it become a natural instinct that if you want the man you have to give up your plan? When did having a partner transform into having a dictator? I know a lot of you are probably saying because you allowed it and obviously he doesn’t really love you, which is all on you for believing him. To my sisters that have that belief I want to give you a shocking revelation, but this is what majority of the female community, especially in the African American culture, are dealing with everyday. So why is that our reality? Why are we the ones that deal wit this type of dilemma? In my opinion I think it’s because of the way we are perceived. If you ask reality television most black women are crazy attitude having, ghetto fabulous, weave wearing, ass shaking, gold digging, dick hopping, earring snatching ready to fight bitches. Just watch any of the Love and Hip Hop series, Bad Girls Club and every other reality television show that is in existence. While there are some TV dramas that attempt to paint us in a more positive light there is always a catch 22 in these shows. In most cases if we get to be successful we end up being the single or the sidechick. For instance, Scandal, I love this show, but thenI realized what was being insinuated. The show was saying, at least to me, that I can be a successful and powerful female, but I have to be a mistress…really? Empire is an amazing show, but Cookie sat in a cell for years sacrificing her freedom for her husband, who then went and built something they began together with a BooBoo Kitty Barbie doll that had no respect for her. To add insult to injury even after all of her sacrifice she has to fight and almost beg for something that was hers in the first place. I mean yall can’t be serious. Being Mary Jane, as much as I adore GABRIELLE UNION I hate the part that she plays. She has all the money she could need, lives in an amazing house with a lucrative job, but she’s sleeping with how many different guys? Waiting around on someone else’s husband, dating other men that leave her for one of the fair skinned beauties that don’t have as much attitude and cause as much stress. Because of course any successful black man has to find a white woman to satisfy his ego. To make matters wore is that as soon as she begins to get some sense and start to move on with her life they of course come back to profess their love. You can kiss my chocolate ass. Blackish is a show I could only tolerate for about three episodes because while they are living the standards of the “American Dream” they are literally abandoning their culture and conforming to be apart of white America. So basically black women are told to be successful you can prepare to be the sidechick, the beggar or the white version of a black woman. How the hell am I supposed to make this choice? I can’t be a strong black woman in cooperate white America without making some type of sacrifice, some kind of bend, giving in on one level or another. If I do become a successful black woman than I have to fight against all the stereotypes that are hanging over my head everyday. I could never have a bad day, never have an attitude, never slip up or make a mistake because the day that I do then it will automatically result in the ‘I told you so’ speech. Now while this is devastating and frustrating you want to know what’s even worse? Things are getting to the point that we can’t even be strong black women in our own community, in our everyday lives with our black men. We, as black women in this generation, are typically seen in two lights when it comes to men, the bitch/hoe or the doormat/wifey. At least that’s how things seem in my opinion. If you want to be wifey then you may find yourself as the doormat, but first you must meet certain standards. You need to keep your legs closed, only open them for him, don’t nag him so he can do what he wants, get your own money, suck his dick, cook and clean. If you can abide by these rules and regulation then you can stay around, but if not then you can be single. In most cases women are willing to do anything to make the man we love happy. We will go to the moon, bend over backwards, walk through fire, move mountains and part the red sea if it means the one we love will be happy. The unfortunate things is that even though we follow his rules, sacrifice ourselves there is still a chance that he will be left unsatisfied. Since he’s not happy anymore then it's likely he will go exploring for another girl to pick up where you were lacking. Enter the bitch/hoe. The bitch or hoe would be the side chick that believes his lies of how he’s done with his girlfriend, wife, or baby mama and he’s looking for a new girl, a girl like you, to make him happy so he can grow with you and be great. Now being the somewhat single sidechick you end up in a tricky predicament, you find yourself down for this man, but while you are waiting around and being everything that the main girl is not he’s happily getting everything that he wants. When his wifey makes him mad then you are just a call away ready and willing to start yall life together. Now this may continue for a while, but eventually you get some sense and tell him something will have to change and let me tell you how that will play out. You tell him you want more of a commitment, he continually promises that things will change and you will be together soon, but soon never happens and you find yourself either pregnant or completely single again. Now either way it goes you have been used up and that’s your label now, no matter what else happens or whom you talk to you will always be the bitch or the hoe that niggas come to for sex because you have the track record of being the side chick. So what about the wifey, what’s her fate? Since she has held this trifling ass nigga down for such an extended period of time, forgiving, reconciling, constantly praying that this time he’ll keep his word, she will either end up heartbroken and leave or she’ll end up heartbroken and stay. Regardless of what she chooses she will always have this broken piece in her that never lets her trust again, which makes her heart become cold. If she leaves the chances of her becoming another niggas sidechick becomes extremely high because she will try to be a nigga. She doesn’t want to be vulnerable like that again putting her hopes into a man that would do the same thing. She will live her life doing what she wants without considering the consequences. All the while, whether she wants to admit or not, she is constantly searching for the guy that will fill the piece of her that she lost in her last relationship. When that doesn’t work she ends with a list of men on her record that she had come in and try to repair what has been broken. For the ones that stay things will forever be a cycle of forgiveness, cheating and reconciling over and over and over and over and over again. So in reality it seems that we are in a loose-loose situation. We can be in love or we can live our lives. If we choose love then be prepared to wake up one day alone or spend your days heartbroken just hoping that things will be better one day. Your bright side comes the day you actually get him to marry you. So when you get a call or text or email or friend request from a female letting you know that he is still committing adultery you can say well I am his wife. Which for some is the ultimate prize, so congratulations. Now if we choose our lives then prepare to be single because since you are focused on you then you can’t possibly have time to be his everything. On the bright side though you can still be successful. Once you make it to success you can almost guarantee that you will spend most of your nights alone even if you have a body laying next to you. You don’t believe me yet? Then answer me this…Why hasn’t Oprah ever been married? She’s the most successful black women on this planet and she’s never been married because Stedman or anyother man has ever had the balls to put his shallow ass pride to the side and get his shit together enough to accept her and her net worth while still feeling like a man. I know yall are probably saying damn Nia there are some successful black couples, Will and Jada, Beyoncé and Jay Z, The Obamas and they are all successful and happy. You ladies are absolutely correct, but if we are being honest they are all we have to look up to. Those are the only couples that come to mind that are both successful, happy, and black. There are other black couples, but none that have been around long enough that they can break the stereotypes and been avoidant of the scandals and secrets. So it looks like the chances for me are slim to none of finding love and living my life that leaves me with a choice, love or life? So what do I do as a female that wants to be more then a dumb housewife, but don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone with my money and career? Well ladies I wish I had the answer, but I don’t. I have no idea what to do when it comes to making the decision of love or life. Even though I know the facts of fate when it comes to love in this generation I still get engulfed in the warmth of loving someone. I know that I need to be able to be independent and pay my own bills so I won’t have to rely on a man. So how do we make the impossible choice of love or life?